No Advice Needed

Why must we 'fix'? Sure there are times when attempts to aide another are appropriate. When requested, for example. But choosing to speak to someone does not necessarily connote a request. Emoting, sharing, confiding.... these are signs of respect. Respect? I know, I know.... your mind is flashing to that annoying friend who always whines about this, that, and the other, or that stranger who just told you some sob story after you both reached for the produce bag dispenser at the same time. Not that kind of sharing - more like the random, Kerouac narrative that breaks out between two people who have earned each others confidence.

That.

A truth is told, a problem explained, an insecurity unveiled.

Today it was my turn. I've told it before, but I never actually knew the answer I wanted, all I knew was that her response wasn't it. So, pigheaded me changes the language and tries again, while well-intentioned though ignorant she responds in her typical fashion.

I find myself waist deep in a pile of should.

She finds herself flailing and goes for the offensive defense of "I know that no matter what I suggest you will reject it"

And she is right.

Not because her advice is without merit, but because it was never solicited.

I KNOW what I can do. I know my options. I know that eventually I will have to pick one and move out of my misery. (whether I stay because fear of the unknown or because it still is so fresh, I don't know)

But the advice wasn't wanted. All I ask for is to be heard.

Sound hard? I'll explain the concept.

Next time someone tells you something, listen and don't cut them off (I know, I know, you would never...). When they are done, follow up with something simple, such as:

How do you feel about that?
It sounds like you feel .....
Sounds like a difficult situation
etc

And wait. This can go on for a while.... give them that time. Thank them for sharing that with you. Acknowledge how they feel and don't dismiss it. If appropriate, ask them what they think can/should be done to improve/celebrate/fix the problem.

Yes, it is very likely that the answer they arrive at is different than your own, but is it wrong? Sometimes, yes. If it is, suggest they think it over or pose a problem that might arise. But don't fix it. If they end up making a mistake, then it is their own. They need it to learn.

Likewise, you might find that your sense of a solution is very different than their own.... maybe even not as good. This isn't because one person is smarter or one person is more efficient, but because each person has a different reality. A different view.

Personal example: I'm lonely. I'm single. I would like to meet a significant other (male, 5'8+, active, intelligent, funny, motivated, likes me)

How she has (in the past) responded: Go clubbing. Start going out more at night. Wear more makeup & spend time at the mall.

Why these don't "fit" me:
-I'm a morning person
-I don't drink
-I like to spend my evenings relaxing
-Reading, hiking/walking, lifting, and talking over coffee are my favorite luxuries. Oh, and learning anything and everything I can about anything that peaks my interest at that particular moment.
-I'm not unattractive
-I'd rather spend money on books/ebooks, fitness equipment, better quality foods.... than a nightie from VS (especially since I think my undies + his shirt would work much better).

Other possible responses (all good):
Do you feel ready to enter a relationship?
What do you want in a guy? Where do you think he might hang out?
What do you see as viable ways to meet such a guy?
How much are you willing to put yourself out there?

Then just paraphrase what they said and shut up.

Active Listening 101.