Typed up a few days ago but was too lazy to post

I'm honestly not very secretive. Compared to many I may play it close to the vest, but that is really only online. And only about the kind of stuff that most people don't want someone to find out by simple utilization of a search engine. I mean, think of future employers. Future clients. Do you have any idea how easy it is to find out about your private information simply by a few quotation marks, some general terms, and one or two identifying marks? I'm not even talking names!

And no, I'm NOT a stalker. That isn't my style.

I'm just the kid who loved playing hide & seek. By adolescence it had matured into a game of Clue. Riddle me this, riddle me that. Find the notes, solve the riddle, find the prize. Hell, I'm still smarting over the time Margie picked a fight with me so that she could hide the final clue. I'll be damned if that fucking slip wasn't in my back pocket the whole time.

Now, THAT, was clever.

I never knew where I'd find the Easter eggs let alone my Christmas presents. From a box full of socks to a bike in the laundry room to a trampoline in the back yard.

Or when

No one enjoys finding a painted egg in a chair in the middle of a hot August. Or spending $150 replacing that HRM you lost.

By college I'd taken it to the books. As much as I loved navigating the shelves in the Hat of the Cat (couldn't resist the pun!), JSTOR was too much fun to not spend hours perusing. After a day of loading and reloading and jumping from database to database, I'd excitely call my mother to tell of my latest intellectual 'find'. I'd sing on about it ad nauseum but something tells me that your eyes are already glazing over...

Now find me away from a search engine - I'm a book. A book on tape. Ask a question and I'll drop bombs you wouldn't expect in everyday life.

I'm flirting with resurrecting this thing.

The only thing holding me back is my track record on blogs/journals....well, that and my ambivalence about the whole thing. I can go a day barely saying one thing and end up feeling like writing a novel, or I can blabber on like no one's business and resent the thought of touching a keyboard.

I just thought it was worth noting that I have long since submitted the application in question. A couple weeks ago I actually got a call from the school requesting an interview (go me!). Better yet, I actually rocked the interview (an event I've feared so greatly that I only applied to colleges that didn't require them, for my undergrad). Damn, that sentence was awkward!

And just last week I found out that I got in.

But I'm not jumping for joy. Everyone else is cheering louder than I could have ever hoped for. Me? I think I'm just stunned. I mean, I pretty much delayed grad school because I was afraid of failing at it. Of not having the courses necessary (my mother is always absolutely positive that there is some minor detail I've overlooked), not meeting application deadlines, writing a horrible personal statement and not getting an interview request, or should I get that interview - I blow it.

But none of those happened and now I wonder. I wonder why I put my life on hold for that fear. I don't know how much of my life is guided by fear, but I'd hazard a guess that the answer is something like "a lot".