I'm slipping. Eh. Tense. Slipping...slipped... had nowhere to fall from... details.

Between starting school this week, the argument with my father last Friday, feeling completely useless during my training, too much free time with minimal local friends, and this damn heatwave.... I'm finding myself in an emotional state that I haven't been in months. Perhaps even a year.

Like my chest is so heavy that my ribs are collapsing onto my lungs. Each inhale too short and too shallow; the exhales merely an afterthought. Occasionally even forgotten.

And true to the past my mind instantly reverts to food, exercise, and imagined (??) extra flesh. My gut feels like it hangs over my pants, but when I look in the mirror my ab veins are clear.

I want out of this place, this darkness. I wish my grad school app was over and done with, as I'm sure this is also very relevant to my present state.

Logically I know what I need to do to get 'better': eat more, get the application over with, stop lurking online, rest more

But I just feel stuck.

So....

I eat less than I'd advise anyone with my training load^ consume.

I log in a greater training volume than I'd recommend to most endurance* athletes.

Yep. And I know I'm shooting myself in the foot by doing so.

It is always easier to offer advice than it is to follow it.

^: Still better fed than a (insert nearly any BB/FBB prep coach's name) client.

*: excludes those participating in IronMan events, distance duathlons, Ultras, or other incredibly long/intense events. Even I have limits.