If I’m consistently “irrational” for several years why would you assume that I’d suddenly change from this behavior? That tonight of all nights I would suddenly go

“oh my! I see the world exactly as you do and will switch my views 180 degrees and opt for your ideals!”

Really? You put me under the spotlight because you thought I’d feel hurt otherwise?

Bullshit. You were using your weapon of choice. Guilt.

Better yet – repeat your request with a slight alteration in verbiage immediately following my polite rejection and expect a different response?

Yeah, you will get a different response. A less polite one.

And no, it didn’t pass by me that you kept your back to me the entire time.

And no, it didn’t pass by me that this is something we have discussed time and again.

But of course, you know better than me. Than M. Than my father. Than anyone.

Just like you know that I cannot emotionally handle grad school. That all the other students will stand up and shout that I am a fragile fraud.

Because of course you again know better than me, than my father, than my advisor, than M and your J. Never mind that both are professors at said school for said program and were the first to encourage me to apply to said program. And that I understand both consider you to be the main problem on hand.

I wish I had your ability to know all. I truly do. It has obviously done a ton of good for you.

Penny for the memories that comment evokes.

See, now you may know all, but what use is it if you only forget?

Typed up a few days ago but was too lazy to post

I'm honestly not very secretive. Compared to many I may play it close to the vest, but that is really only online. And only about the kind of stuff that most people don't want someone to find out by simple utilization of a search engine. I mean, think of future employers. Future clients. Do you have any idea how easy it is to find out about your private information simply by a few quotation marks, some general terms, and one or two identifying marks? I'm not even talking names!

And no, I'm NOT a stalker. That isn't my style.

I'm just the kid who loved playing hide & seek. By adolescence it had matured into a game of Clue. Riddle me this, riddle me that. Find the notes, solve the riddle, find the prize. Hell, I'm still smarting over the time Margie picked a fight with me so that she could hide the final clue. I'll be damned if that fucking slip wasn't in my back pocket the whole time.

Now, THAT, was clever.

I never knew where I'd find the Easter eggs let alone my Christmas presents. From a box full of socks to a bike in the laundry room to a trampoline in the back yard.

Or when

No one enjoys finding a painted egg in a chair in the middle of a hot August. Or spending $150 replacing that HRM you lost.

By college I'd taken it to the books. As much as I loved navigating the shelves in the Hat of the Cat (couldn't resist the pun!), JSTOR was too much fun to not spend hours perusing. After a day of loading and reloading and jumping from database to database, I'd excitely call my mother to tell of my latest intellectual 'find'. I'd sing on about it ad nauseum but something tells me that your eyes are already glazing over...

Now find me away from a search engine - I'm a book. A book on tape. Ask a question and I'll drop bombs you wouldn't expect in everyday life.

I'm flirting with resurrecting this thing.

The only thing holding me back is my track record on blogs/journals....well, that and my ambivalence about the whole thing. I can go a day barely saying one thing and end up feeling like writing a novel, or I can blabber on like no one's business and resent the thought of touching a keyboard.

I just thought it was worth noting that I have long since submitted the application in question. A couple weeks ago I actually got a call from the school requesting an interview (go me!). Better yet, I actually rocked the interview (an event I've feared so greatly that I only applied to colleges that didn't require them, for my undergrad). Damn, that sentence was awkward!

And just last week I found out that I got in.

But I'm not jumping for joy. Everyone else is cheering louder than I could have ever hoped for. Me? I think I'm just stunned. I mean, I pretty much delayed grad school because I was afraid of failing at it. Of not having the courses necessary (my mother is always absolutely positive that there is some minor detail I've overlooked), not meeting application deadlines, writing a horrible personal statement and not getting an interview request, or should I get that interview - I blow it.

But none of those happened and now I wonder. I wonder why I put my life on hold for that fear. I don't know how much of my life is guided by fear, but I'd hazard a guess that the answer is something like "a lot".

Almost there

One more final push and I'll be done with my first set of grad school applications.

All I need to do is:

-check in with one of my recommendation writers
-finish the last 1/2 page of my personal statement (ie the scary part of what is left)
-meet with the resume adviser & finish that
-check over the application form

What I have done:
-contacted individuals for recommendations
-gone to the program's open house & met with various faculty
-written 3+ pages of my personal statement & gone through 3 revisions
-begun resume & found someone to help me perfect it


I honestly don't know which has been more frightening to me personally - actually ASKING people to recommend me OR writing the personal statement.

Either way I am finally on the home stretch after years of fear and procrastination!

Hungry-Girl Scares Me....

Perusing through her database (for a good turkey noodle soup recipe as I will be having leftovers galore...) and came upon this:

Dear Soupster, I love soup and eat a LOT of it. But I've often wondered the same EXACT thing. Like when I'm eating a canned soup that is supposed to only have two grams of fat in it, and I see these little circles of what appear to be oil floating on top. I will say to myself, ARE THOSE CIRCLES THE ACTUAL TWO FAT GRAMS FLOATING RIGHT THERE ON TOP? Then I remove them (because they are weird and scary) and eat the soup. Those oily spots aren't necessarily "bad" -- they're just a little gross and likely have some fat content, so they can be worth removing. If there seems to be a lot of oily gunk in your bowl, you can just scoop it off with a spoon and get rid of it. Easy to do, and you'll save some fat and calories. Luckily, those oily circles often float to the top of the bowl and are easy to dispose of. Good riddance!

If this is how she reacts to tag-along fat, I wonder how she manages to take her fish oils every day......if she even does.

On my mind. . .

- If it can't withstand some wind, how can we expect the Bay Bridge to make it through the next big quake?
- After much thought and research I have realized that anabolic steroids are not the devil. I've been reading a lot on this and listening to quite a few podcasts (and following up on the entailed statements), and don't see how anyone can justify the amount of time and taxpayer dollars that goes into prosecuting individuals trafficking in/possessing these steroids.
- I am against the use of anabolic steroids for performance unless said organization explicitly allows for them in their bylaws.
- I need to get a part time job.
- I need to work on my personal statement
- I like almond butter better than almonds.
- Figure/Fitness/FBB competitions are oddly entertaining. I find the criteria frustratingly confusing, am not a big fan of posing in bikinis, and think the effort the competitors go to in terms of dieting/training is insane. Nevertheless, I find the fitness routines to be inspiring (particularly the 45 second routine that was just fazed out), the dedication of the competitors to be impressive (and in some cases, troubling), and the psychological reaction to the post-show weight regain to be fascinating. I guess the idea of losing all that weight while knowing that there will be a fixed point at which some will be regained both purposefully (for muscle gain) and necessarily.
- how ironic it is that men seem to prefer the offseason body of a competitor while women prefer their competition look
- how much my hip hurts
- that my chiropractor will probably hit me again tomorrow when I admit to stepping on the stairmill after telling him I would (try to) avoid it.
- that I didn't want to do lunges until the chiro told me that can't do any lifting and especially not squats or lunges.

.... and much much more.

I hate secrets

Apparently they've been trying to hide our financial situation from me. As in we are in the red. Monthly. Fuck.

Of course I get the bare minimum in foods, no extras like magazines or coffee, library books only, use as little electricity as possible.... So I'm cutting back on my one luxury - massages (if you talked to me for 10 minutes you'd know why they are there) are being cut in half.

I spend my weeks looking forward to them. They are the ONLY thing in my life that I have to look forward to on a regular basis. I know I'm horribly spoiled for having them, but considering the fact that I wake up in pain throughout the night....they've been a lifesaver.

Next - therapy. Cutting back there as well. Sessions are being halved. Already called my T. Same with the CMT.

I won't mention the other stuff... less significant, but still gone.

The job and volunteer situation is a whole different mess for another day. It is simply too much to cope with all at one time. Especially minutes after getting home following my massage & therapy. Yep, THAT is when this lovely truth was revealed to me.

And guess who made that error in judgement?

The Daft And Dense one. That is who.